Ashanthi - 1982 (Review - 1)

ASHANTHI - 1982

It was a time when action had made its entry and was lapped up by one and all. The anger of the masses during the emergency, the entry of a Congress alternative for the first time at the helm of politics - the Janata Party and its subsequent fall out and the return of Indira Gandhi as our PM, the Naxalite movement, the unrest in Bengal, there was anger and it was yet to die down - this could be that one reason why everyone wanted to see someone beaten up. As long it wasn’t them, it was fun.

The degeneration of politics was on, and moving forward in top gear. Pranab Mukherjee, the then Minister of Economy, would come in each year to present the budget, with his trademark pipe sticking out from the corner of his mouth. (Sir Ramadoss, please note). It would take another 10 years for us to shift from socialism (even if we democratically elected our representatives) to a free capital market (of course when it comes time for lay offs the flags of socialism are unfurled in no time). It would take 10 years since Ashanti for Coke and Pepsi to re-enter our markets and for policies to open up our markets to make it easy for us, the then young engineers to finally venture out in the international markets, see & live & experience life in places we could only dream of… but we still remain a confused lot of people in this day and age just like those filmmakers who remain confused whether they have made a tragedy or a comedy. When it comes time to take (loans, cars, imported goods) we turn capitalist and when it comes time to give (lay offs, seeking help from politicians with the strongest muscle power) we in no time suddenly turn socialists. No doubt our filmmakers remain a confused lot, as they, but, represent the times we live in.

The middle class had perhaps not yet started moving out of the theaters. They would. Very soon. Perhaps after the Asiad Games that were were being held in New Delhi that year… 1982. And by the divine grace of the holy powers in politics we were granted Color Televisions. And the rumor mills in many of those gossip magazines had meat to chew for a few months. Color television causes eye cancer. Color televisions causes hallucinations. Statistics were produced from thin air or the writers’ ass… children watching black and white television fall less sick than those watching color TV… I guess not much has changed. Which is why I wonder why channels like Aaj Tak, Headlines Today and others have not started their own movie production house, as the script writers are right there employed by them. All they need to do is snip 3 hours of their daily (any day) news and convert them into movies. All the background score, shock effects, weird camera angles and bombshells (no idiot not bomb’s shells, I meant the curvy kind) who have no idea what they are talking already pre-exist in those snipped 3 hours. You even have double roles. On Headlines Today, they have this lady who opens up her hair when she is doing gossip sections on cinema and ties up her hair when she’s reading serious (?) news in another section. At first I thought they were twins. But actually this is called cost-cutting in business. And Headlines Today perhaps had seen the future of the dead markets that we have today. How couldn’t they see… they have half a dozen astrologers on their channel doing bhavishya-vani. How dumb is that! How stupid is it for technology driven businesses like the News Channels to have astrology shows every hour!!! Pathetic!!! So I simply switch off the television after watching the astrological forecast for Sagittarius every night.

Moving on… 1982 shall be remembered as the year color television finally landed in India. Perhaps that was the first step for the middle class to find an excuse to move away from the theaters, which were slowly and surely cutting back services to save costs. Like switching the air-conditioners off during months of intense Bombay summer heat. I guess they were trying to give us lessons… training… on how to watch a movie in a swimming pool… problem was the water in the pool was your own damn sweat and that of the person sitting on your left side. You were safe from the sweat of the person sitting on your right side cause you had pushed yourself as far as possible to escape the heavy bombardment of flatulence that darn guy was pumping out.

Hence you learnt, changed, adopted and got adept at the ticket window ” One ticket for Ashanti. Corner Seat please!!! ”

Now Umesh Mehra, back in those days was the new kid on the block. Completely commercial and loved the fast, action genre of movies. The problem was the treatment of his films was corny and like all the other films (until JP Dutta and Mukul Anand came into the scene) the technical quality was awful. But he was quite clear in what he wanted to make and he did keep making such movies. That is one thing I’ve loved about such people in Bollywood. There is no confusion. If there was any confusion, it was at our end, when you had to quickly make a decision to take any other seat in the theater if the ticket window told you that all corner seats were taken. Vaat lag gayi!

Umesh was the the son of F.C. Mehra who was the head of Eagle Films that was associated with films since ages, starting from some good to average ones like Aji bas shukriya (Geeta Bali, Johnny Walker), Ujala (Raj Kumar, Shammi Kapoor, Mala Sinha), Professor (Shammi Kapoor, Rajshri, Mumtaz), Prince, Amrapali (Sunil Dutt, Vyajantimala), Lal Patthar, (Rajkumar, Hema Malini,Rakhee, Vinod Mehra) and then the dopey ones like Salakhen (Shashi Kapoor), Manoranjan (Sanjeev Kumar), Sohni Mahiwaal (Sunny Deol, Poonam Dhillon), Alibaba Chalis Chor (Dharmendra), and whole post 70s see-film-suffer-migraine factory that included Ashanti (Rajesh Khanna, Mithun), Ek Jaan Hain Hum (Rajeev Kapoor), Jaal, Mujrim, Aakhri Adalat, bus bus bus!!!

Not much is heard about Eagle films in Bollywood these days, except that Eagle films operates a couple of studios in Bombay and Noida (close to Delhi) where television shoots take place.

Umesh started on a high with Alibaba Chalis Chor, (not recommended, so don’t get a DVD and start seeing it just because the name appears here and then curse PFC within 10 minutes of the movie, but I would recommend this movie in case you were going to pick up Arbaaz Khan’s Alibaba and 40 thieves - which is made by a team that I suppose were the students of this ganja team). The project was ambitious and truth be told the opening sequence of the 40 thieves doing stunts on their horses at that time looked really well done. It is claimed by Eagle Films and I’m not sure if it is true, that Alibaba Chalis Chor is amongst the all time top 3 hits in Soviet Russia ever. EVER?

We Indians need to quickly stop drinking “vodka” lest we make Drona or Karzzzzzzsnorezzzz the biggest hit in Indian cinema. I’m telling you this world of cinema would be so lovely without the wretched Vodka… and ganja (Remember Mawali?)

The problem with Umesh’s film from my point of view was they were knee deeply stuck in mediocre entertainment. Of course from their angle, they weren’t targeting me but the masses who lapped up their products. I wish there was more from the guy.

And like the rest of the lot, Umesh too got lost and forgotten with the advent of Video and later on with the advent of new directors on the block, who could take that extra few steps to rise above mediocrity.

I think Abbas-Mastan, are one such team who know what they wanna make and attempt to make it well. Even if Race is crap, it’s hard to imagine, two guys over the age of 50 can just throw themselves to direct a story for teens and the college crowd such as Race. Don’t believe Abbas Mastan have it? Try watching the song “Khud ko kya samajhti hai, itna akadti hain” from Khiladi (Akshay’s Khiladi phobia started here). It was the early 90s (1992) and I’d never seen anyone do what they did to that song and for most part of the movie… besides Mukul Anand (Kanoon Kya Karega - the ice-cream melting over the girls hands as the audience watches the badminton game, the opening sequences of Sultanat that can give takkar to any Hollywood magnum opus, the rewind-fast forward scene in Main Balwan, Jumma Chumma in Hum etc. etc.), JP Dutta (the desert scenes in Ghulami, shoot out at the mosque steps in Yateem, the just missed becoming a gem - Hathyaar and then JP sir was gone… lost) and a few others like Rahul Rawail (Arjun - the chase amongst a sea of black umbrella in Bombay rains… to me is one of the five best creative picturesque shots caught on Hindi camera, Dacait - a technical ace!)

Unfortunately Umesh never made it to this league. Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps my expectations were too high.

Ashanti (1982)

The only show available for booking the tickets in advance on a Tuesday, was the 12pm Matinee show on the following Sunday. Ashanti was to release on the following Friday. So the coming entire week was fully booked. The producers had slowly realized the formula for getting crowds on the opening weekend. Multi Heroes!!! Umesh-ji went a step ahead… Multi Heroines!!!

Perhaps Ashanti may be the biggest hit in the action genre that Rajesh Khanna ever gave. To begin the story, Shri Khanna is a cop, who was shown Dirty Harry a 1008 times during his stint at the police academy. That could only be the reason why he goes into kismet, bandook ki goli dialogue ala Harry-jee when he catches the bank robbers and their head (Monty, son of Prem Nath and younger brother of Prem Kishen - if you have no idea who Prem Kishen is… ummm… remember the movie Jai Vijay starring Jeetendra, the other lead was Prem Kishen… still no idea? well… remember the movie Humare Tumhare - he was in it… still no idea? ok, lets move on).

So Monty-jee put in Jail. Khanna goes home to…. MA… yes the lone cop always had a Ma at home… or a sister… or both or both and a handicapped kid brother… or all of them… or if none was available there was a widow staying always next door, who the lone cop took care of (and of course her family) and when the neighbours who had nothing else to do would gather and throw lalchan (Hinglish: False accusations) on the widow for having an affair with the lone cop (not true, it was never true)… leading to the widow’s ma-in-law, beating her with dialogues like “Mooh kala… mur kyon nahin gaye… hum mooh dikhane layak nahin rahay” perhaps clearasil may have helped had they known it. Anyways the lone cope would enter the scene… do blood donation with blood dripping over the widow’s maang and everyone would go back to their house perhaps just in time to watch Aamchi Maati Aamchi Mansa, Chitrahaar, Chayageet, Kilbil, Santakukdi - what can I say. It’s 1982 and those were the few programs that came on Bombay TV.

Anyways Khanna cop has Ma so the entire widow angle or sister (who will be raped) and brother (who will lose memory when sister is raped) is eliminated. But it is the Ma angle. So you know, this story will soon start showing some khujli towards the darn Ma. By the grace of God, Ma was not played by Nirupa Roy. Guess Khanna may have given strict instructions. Amitabh ki Ma kabhi meri ma nahin bun sakti. So the producers cooked their ma-buns at the doorstep of actress Ratnamala.

Brace yourself. This movie has twists so many that it would give the winding roads of my dear Kumaon Hills a complex. Enter Heroine 1. Shabana-jee who’s standing in Khanna’s apartment as he returns from work. Khanna’s momma, bholee momma, thinks Shabana is his girlfriend and she is happy - bahu mil gayee… little does she realize that it is actually meri lag gayee.

Khanna : Who you?
Shabana : Remove Monty from jail and take this cash
Khanna : How can I remove Monty. That darn guy tried to imitate Rishi Kapoor.
Shabana: Doesn’t matter. This is big cash. Leave him
Khanna: Fuck you. Adding two more Zs behind the ass doesn’t mean anything.
Shabana: Take this money
Khanna: Get out

Of course the conversation isn’t verbatim, but the gist is Khanna kicks out Shabana. Then goes to his balcony, glances at his jeep parked below, and jumps from the balcony to check that there exists a bomb in his jeep or something that he diffuses or something. It is not important. What is important he “JUMPED” from his balcony to check his jeep. No stairs. No elevator. And the idiot that I was, after watching this scene, I thought jumping from one’s balcony impressed women. It doesn’t. Trust me. Atleast not, if your balcony is on the ground floor.

So the fool that the hero is, that is Khanna, he will jump from the first floor because he suspects the goondas have done something hanky panky with his jeep, but he does not check his house.

Enter police in Khanna’s house. We have search warrant. Behind Khanna’s sofa is big bag of cash. Rishwat. Corruption. Khanna in. Three years imprisonment.

Khanna’s mother shocked. My beta taking rishwat. She joins the AAAAAA club… (All Ammas Achanak Aheart Attack Association). Say bye bye to world. Khanna at the age of 46 is anath. Who will adopt him? India Jails.

After 3 years Khanna jee steps out of Central Jail. Camera angle top to bottom. Khanna with Sun glasses, and full grown beard. Perhaps Topaz blades and Palmolive shaving cream were banned in jails during those Socialist days. Who knows.

So with hair on his face and revenge in his heart, Khanna goes looking for Monty (who as per last friday has taken punar janam. No one ever asked poor Dino Moreo how he felt being reborn as… Himesh Reshammiya.)

So Khanna beats one goon at Aunty’s tadi bar. Question. Why was it always only an “Aunty” or an “Uncle” running country liquor bars in Bollywood? Didn’t Chacha, Chachis, Mama, Mamis have the business acumen? This is so utterly degrading to say that Uncle and Aunties did all the stupid country liquor business in Bollywood in those days. Its like saying all bad drivers in America are Chinese. So not true.

Anyways, the goonda takes Khanna to a junk-car yard, where Monty is waiting and going “HA HA HA” - this was all part of the plan. Gun fight follows. Then one car is dropped by the crane on Khanna. Khanna goes “NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIN”…

Wake up.

Doctor: How are you feeling?
Khanna: Fine
Doctor: Good.
Khanna: Good.

Now Khanna drops his hand to his crotch. If you are a guy, you know when its time to scratch the balls, it is time. No aandhi, toofan, langur can stop a man from scratching his balls. When the call comes, a man has to go. So perhaps, Khanna’s call came in, he moves his hand to scratch. Then comes the SHOCK!!!

No dear reader, the balls are intact. The legs aren’t. You see Khanna loses his legs. He is pained. How will he jump from the balcony anymore!!!

Khanna goes to temple. To pray. Selfish guy. Till he had his legs, he never went to the temple. But now that he is in pain and trouble, suddenly, God ki yaad aa gayee. Pure Kalyug times we live in.

Twist. Twist in a temple? Yes twist in temple. I told ya. Umesh Mehra was good. But not great.

Shabana at temple. Khanna sees Shabana. Shabana sees Khanna. Shabana runs. Khanna chases. Wait! Didn’t Khanna lose his legs? Yes. He did. He’s chasing Shabana on his crutches. Tragedy strikes. Khanna falls. Crutches in the high kinetic energy in their motion continue their accelaration, dropping down the stars, THAK THAK THAK THAK and reach Shabana who is almost at the bottom of the stairs. Shabana looks at the crutches.

Shabana: Khanna you going langda?
Khanna: Bhain ki takki sub teri wajah say happening!!!
Shabana cries
Khanna gives shoulder.
And Bhain ki takki suddenly becomes potential lover.

Khanna asks. What is going on here? Who is behind my dukh?

Cut to.

Amrish Puri. Who was some King of someplace that was annexed by the government of India when India gained independence. Puri did not like this. So he went on total destroy India mode. His goal: To spread in India - Ashanti!!! And to enforce how bad Puri is, Umesh Mehra has Puri wrapping snakes around his neck and going mouth to mouth with snakes and even giving some tongue.

Lets move on to the two remaining heroines.

Kanwaljeet Singh. No he was not one of the heroines. Kanwaljeet works for Puri’s gang and in the process does some cheating. His girlfriend is Zeenat Aman, who dances with Kanwaljeet at the club. No dammit. Kanwaljeet does not do cheating in his dances. Its some drugs dealing or something like that. Its not important. What’s important is Kanwaljeet dances disco in this film. Yes he does for an entire song. Collector’s item.

So after the song “Dil diya hain, maine dil diya hain… YA YA Yaad rakhna…” you get to know in the conversation between Zeenat and Kanwaljeet the ghochi Kanwaljeet has done. Amrish Puri comes to know and sends his men to capture Kanwaljeet and Zeenat. When the goons are going to do that Shabana and Khanna hit Zeenat on her head without anyone realizing it and kidnap her.

Kanwaljeet runs to friend’s house whose sister is Parveen Babi. Enter Heroine Number 3. Goons reach and supposedly kill both Kanwaljeet and his friend. Goons run after Parveen Babi. So Parveen Babi is running on the beach, with the wafadar Bob Christo running after Babi. Beach. Night. Parveen Babi. Bob Christo. Time for a drunk Mithun Chakraborthy to enter the scene and inaugurate the following lines for the first time in Hindi Cinema…

Teri Jaat Ka Baida Maru

(Hinglish: Hit you with an egg made from your caste)

Babi faints… because of running, Christo, drunk Mithun or the utter undecipherable “Jaat Baida” dialogue… we shall never know… anyways Babi faints, Bob Christo horny. Enter Mithun. Bob confused. Erection or Maramaari. Mithun slaps. Bob quickly makes decision. Fight first fuck later. Too late. Mithun hits Bob to unconscious state with his Australian egg. Next morning Babi wakes up. Mithun wakes up. Babi rushes to house to check on her brother.

Brother dead. Zeenat, Shabana and Khanna arrive. Zeenat cries. Babi cries. Khanna offers shoulder. But withdraws once he catches Shabana’s nasty look at him. He may be lame… physically… not in the head. Good for him.

Khanna offers his hand to all three heroines. We have one common dushman. Amrish Puri. Lets join hands and I will help you get your revenge. All three girls shake hands with Khanna. Now starts their training. Within a few days they are Karate, Kungfu, Sharp Shooting champions… (why the fuck did no one send them to the Olympics?). A secret photo of their training was taken by yours truly for proof.

This is the story till Interval. Yes. All this has happened and the story is just half complete. Next half starts. Too many things happen. Most villains being thrown over earthen pots, pans, brick walls, windows, doors. Mithun joins Khanna gang. Not sure why. Why the fuck did he have to leave his beach house, his daaru to join three women who had no clue what the hell was happening and Khanna who was building weird devices between his bouts of getting horny on the three women. Please note: He stops going to the temple again, once he has three hot women living with him. One of Khanna’s invented devices is a soooper doooper gun in the shape of a crutch. Presenting the evidence of the device above right.

Goons die and more bad men die. More and more, atleast more than the number of mosquitoes you clap your hands around to kill while sitting on your toilet seat, and definitely more than the number of ants who are squashed under your lotta filled with water as your squat on your desi toilet, only to find all the water in the lotta popping out on the toilet floor, in your attempt to kill ants to pass your time. And the only water supply to refill your lotta with, is 20 feet “outside” the bathroom. Good Luck!

Anyways, the Khanna gang reaches Puri’s palace after singing and dancing “Mirchi Kolhapurchi“. Khanna wants Monty (Puri’s son, if you haven’t guessed it now), Shabana wants Puri, Babi wants Puri’s goondas, Zeenat wants Puri, Mithun has no clue what he wants or what he is doing there. More twists follow. Puri had daughter who he never had. Khanna says he knows who his daughter is, but will tell him only after Puri hands over Monty to him. Puri suddenly wants daughter so gives Monty away. Khanna pulls his artificial leg out, drops crutches, and for some strange reason starts walking around and beating Monty with his artificial leg against the background score “Shakti de Maa… Shakti de Maa”.

Fighting erupts. Bad guys get killed. Kanwaljeet appears. Everyone happy. He’s not dead. Zeenat goes with Kanwaljeet. Babi with Mithun. Shabana with Khanna. Everyone walks away with somebody And we walk out of the bathroom with an empty lotta towards the tap-water 20 feet away.

http://passionforcinema.com/the-torture-series-7-ashanti/